Update on Tori

I'm just going to call her Tori from now on. :) Hopefully it will sound more natural on my tongue by the time she gets here. I like it, it just sounds foreign for some reason.

I'm almost 31 wks pregnant with Tori. She has been incredibly active lately, especially down low in my tummy. I think that means she's head down? This pregnancy continues to have a pace of its own, compared to Brianna's. The back pain has not been as severe, but again I'm not moving around as much as I was w/ my last. Of course, I'm also not going up and down 2 flights of stairs 2-4 times a day for work either like I was at this point, last time. I had some sort of nerve pain for a couple of weeks where I would move a certain way and get a shooting pain up and down my leg, but its mostly subsided now.

We have decided to take the same route as we did with Brianna, in this pregnancy. We have seen a nurse-midwife for the first part of the pregnancy, and are going to have this baby unassisted at home. We will have someone give us one last check up right before and a check up right after though same as last time.

We're really not ready for Tori to come though honestly. So much stuff to do, clothes to sort through, diapers to make or buy, birth supplies, etc. Sometimes it seems so overwhelming, and sometimes it seems like it will be no big deal, ya know?

My blood pressure has been a bit all over the place, but I think my cuff is malfunctioning. Maybe I'll try my larger cuff and see if that makes a difference.

Sorry to ramble on! The family is great, the baby to be is great! (she could technically be born NOW and be ok, can you believe it?!??!!?!?!?) Brianna has just hit her terrible two's and is as we speak doing some sort of pouting/tantrum thing in the chair next to me. Cody is visiting grandma and having a lot of fun.

An Update

I realized this morning that I had 6 blogs running all at once. SIX can you imagine? Like I have time to update so many! :)

So I consolidated all of the family/pregnancy/birth stuff into one that we can share with family. I put all my ranting/crafting/knitting/sewing stuff into another.

I'm not 29 weeks pregnant. Blood pressure looks ok so far. We have taken a slew of tests but declined the routine pap and gestational diabetes screenings. I finally feel pregnant and not just like I'm gaining weight. There is a very large bump where my tummy used to be. I cant see my feet anymore! I'm carrying really big, but I dont remember if I was big last time as well. Aches and pains are starting in. I wish I had a live in chiropractor.

The kids are great. Mom and Dad are bringing up the dresser and daybed this weekend. We're finally going to get our bed back to ourselves. Brianna has been sleeping with us by our choice, but its just not working out any more. Cosleeping is great (Great Article By Peggy O'Mara on Cosleeping) Its something that has been done the world over since the beginning of time and really was wonderful the past 2 years with Brianna. I dont plan on doing it with the new baby unless the situation changes, just because I'm ready to have my bed back. We'll be using the cradle next to the bed at first though, most likely. So we'll have Brianna's daybed and the cradle in our room (which is also our den and our computer room and my base of business and craft room...) It will be crowded, to say the least, but its a lot easier to heat/cool 1 room than the entire house. Our house is way too big, we've learned, but thats another discussion for another day.

Cody is going to spend a few weeks with my parents. He's going back to stay with them this weekend. He's very excited. Brianna is saying more and more every day now. She said "I love you" for the first time yesterday. Of course she wouldn't say it again when her daddy got home, lol. I feel bad that he misses out on so much of her development and it makes me feel so much more lucky to be able to stay with them myself.

July Update

Victoria is due the middle of October, so about 3 months to go now. I have absolutely nothing ready for her at all. I don't have my birth supplies, or any clothes brought out, any diapers for her what so ever, or anything. I really havent prep'd for the baby at all, neither has Jason. I guess having Brianna so recently has kind of downplayed it for us. Plus we have no family here, I have been working on my online business, and I guess life is just going on as usual. I keep thinking that money will rain from the sky and we'll be able to run out and get everything we need but you know how realistic THAT sounds. :) Part of me wishes we could do the whole baby shower and Blessingway thing, and do registries and stuff, but I guess I'd have to know people for that to happen. Never did get around to meeting people here in SC. Oh well.

After our little Downs scare a couple of months ago, the pregnancy has gone very much without issue. My BP is down, Victoria (never to be known as Vicky... we'll think of another way to shorten it... Tori or Vee or something) is moving around well, and I'm getting bigger every day. I'll be so happy when this is over and Victoria is here. I will have my body back (yay!!). I hate having to share my body with little babies, lol.

My Baby Stuff Wish List

We set up a registry at Babys R Us, because I love the cloth diapers they have there (Kushies) and they have pretty much everything else we need (except they didnt have socks in the online registry...wierd huh?) Its www.babysrus.com if anyone is interested.

1. Cloth Diapers - This is REALLY what we need more than ANYTHING else - The decision to use cloth diapers is not one we reached without a lot of thought, but we're sticking with it, and could very much use them since Brianna only has the large sizes. (list of sites that sell them, my favorite ones etc is at the bottom) Let me tell ya... these are NOT your mother's cloth diapers! Also, more often than not these are not covered, because they have a diaper cover built right in, so they're really like little shorts almost :)
2. Material - Cute Baby Materials in Flannel, Terry Cloth, Fleece, Microfleece, Wool yarn (100% wool, NOT washable/superwash) I have been making baby accessories for Brianna and would like to continue to make them for the new baby. I can make some diapers, although I really love the brands I listed below. :)
   
3. DONE Dresser - Thanks Mom! :)
   
4. Socks (no idea how we managed to keep every single baby thing but socks haha)
5. non Playtex Bottles (I want the kind that dont need bags)
   
6. DONE Twin Bed for Brianna - Thanks Kelly and Mom! :) This will be coming by the first of August from Fla :)
   
7. Changing table pad (for some reason ours didnt last very long last time, and this time I'm going to make a waterproof cover for it to help durability)
8. Over the door storage unit (this is PERFECT) for our tiny nursery...I could technically use 2 or 3 of these :) http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=2267671&cp=2255986.2256246.2256297&parentPage=family
9. 
   

What I don't need but want anyways: :)

• ERGO brand baby carrier
• cant think of anything else :)
  

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Cloth Diapers

*AIOs are the easiest ones to use, and pockets are the more versatile of the two, and OS means they will fit from birth till potty trained (although some may not work for the first couple of weeks...they generally fit from 8lbs - 30lbs so that covers at LEAST 90% of the duration)

1. Mommy's Touch OS Pocket Diapers
   
2. Happy Heiny's Pockets - I have a wholesale account with them for my business, which gets me a great discount if you want to pick them out and have me get them (this is probably what I would use a gift card for :D, or you can buy them here These are the main part of Brianna's diaper collection and they work great
3. Berry Plush AIO Diapers
   

Basically, anything from these sites that is an "AIO" or "Pocket" is great.

Mudpie Babies
Snooty Booty Diapers
Lucy's Hope Chest
Diaper Ware The drybees lacy ones are incredibly cute :)
Abby's Lane
Sunflowers and Sunshine
ClothWorx - tracy.ries@gmail.com = Tracy has made me a couple of custom made diapers and they've worked great (and are very inexpensive) She does mostly (maybe all?) custom work, where you pick the fabric and she makes them from hand and they're never more expensive than the name brand ones
http://www.hyenacart.com


Generally, I like what are called "AIOs" (all in ones) and "Pockets" (same as the all in one except you wash the absorbant part seperate, and it makes them easier to clean/faster to dry/easy to customize absorbancy) I also like those with velcro or "applix" (I think thats just an industry standard brand of velcro or something) but anything cute with snaps is ok too :)

There are also options for which outer layer works best. I've found that "PUL" (polyeurethane laminant) works best. There are some that are specifically designed to grow with baby so we wouldn't have to get new ones as Victoria grows (and could technically use the same ones for Brianna and Victoria, if Brianna is not potty trained by then) They are called "OS".

We're having a girl!

We're expecting baby Victoria on October 12th, 2007. Its been an interesting journey with this pregnancy. I've had all of the standard pregnancy symptoms (some that I didnt have at all last time) but this time, they have been about 10 times worse. I had a bit of nausia w/ Brianna, in the early morning and it was gone as soon as I ate something. With Victoria I was near puking every waking moment of every day for most of the first 3 1/2 months. Cravings that were tolerable last time have me wanting to kill someone if I dont get the subject of my craving this time, lol. Although... last time I craved pizza and chocolate, and this time I'm craving fresh fruits and veggies and sushi (which I cannot get because there are no sushi places within a 45 min drive of this hick town).

We found a great midwife this time, and we are just going through the standard prenatal care routine, although with our eyes open this time. Its amazing how many tests and proceedures they just expect you to have without even asking if you want them. They still look at me like I have 3 heads when I ask them what a blood test is for, whats the chance is of it being a false positive (you would be amazed at how many tests come back incorrect due to pregnancy and various other things), if its necessary to have a test at this time or that time, etc. We did have a result come back from the down syndrome blood test that was "bad", and it was a pretty horrible experience. We worried and worried about how bad it would be (the neonatal special care clinic called me to make an appointment and wouldn't tell me why...I had to call my midwife for the information... talk about a scary couple of hours). So after all was said and done, the national average is 1/2% of all babies are born w/ downs syndrome, and after taking the test, it took my probability from 1 in 200 to 1 in 190.... So I was all freaked out for absolutely nothing. We still went to the specialist clinic just to make sure, and we took a "level 2" ultrasound, which showed absolutely no problems what so ever. So not only did we panic over nothing, but we also paid $150 for nothing as well.

On the positive side, we saw without a shadow of a doubt that Victoria is definitely a girl. The detail that the level 2 ultrasound shows even showed all of her little girl parts as well as her heart, abdoment, spinal development, brain, facial development/structure, etc. Regular ultrasounds take about 15 minutes, and mine took about 1 1/2 hours because they measured every single thing (heart stuff, blood flow, brain development, bone structures, spinal column, etc)

My pregnancy, this time around, has been SO different from Cody. Being pregnant with Cody was being in a state of oblivion. I spent almost the entire pregnancy unknowing of everything, and just attending my prenatal appointments as required. I read no books, did no research, spoke with no "wise women", attended no classes, etc. Occasionally I got upset at my prenatal appointments, when they would throw something unexpected at me, but then I would get over it, and go about my business. I had NO idea how it was going to turn out. Knowledge is power, granted, but ignorance is bliss...

When we were trying to conceive Brianna, I did not believe it was truly possible. It was 18 months after I stopped taking birth control, that we finally conceived. I talked to the girl I work with, about it, and she gave me some pregnancy tests that she had. I took the one that she gave me, and it came back a faint positive. I went to the store and purchased another set of 2, and took them, and they also came back a faint positive. I remember going and grabbing Jason's hand, and taking upstairs into our bedroom, looking for a quiet place to tell him. Cody, of course, came barging in, excited about something or other, about half way through. :) I told Jason and he was so happy. I remember nothing but denial at the time. I was afraid of being pregnant, of being a mom again, of the chance of being left to raise 2 children alone, when I could barely raise one, the first time around. Jason and I purchased ANOTHER set of tests (this time, the big 'name brand' very advertised ones) and it also came back positive. I was ready to go get another set of tests, maybe the digital read out ones, before Jason stopped me. He said 'lets just make an appointment, and go see the doctor'.

Its hard to explain how traumatized I was by my last pregnancy. I love Cody, and wouldn't give back having him for all the world, but the circumstances surrounding his birth, and raising him alone were very difficult. It was with great hesitation that I agreed to have another baby, at Jason's insistence. I had just cut that part of my life off, and had decided long ago not to have any more children. I never had enough patience with Cody, when I was a single mom, and when his father and I were together. It was hard to see past the financial problems, the lost education, and the lack of reprieve that being a single parent meant. I guess that's why I push education so much, for Cody. If he will just get a 4 year degree when he finishes high school, I will feel that my suffering early on, was not in vain. It's only now that I can really enjoy him the way I should, and appreciate what a wonderful child he is, because of his step dad, and all of his support, both emotionally and financially.

So, for the first 6 months or so of my pregnancy, I was in denial. I felt 'fat' but not pregnant. I felt like my life was coming to an end. I was terrified that I would not have the emotional ability to raise this baby, or to give her a good life. I could only see the bad, and none of the good. I was so incredibly blinded by fear, from all that had happened before. I started to blame Jason even, after awhile. I cried all the time, and would go walking, just because I wanted to get away, to forget about the pregnancy, and Jason and 'what my life had become'. But I began to realize, that no matter how traumatic the birth itself was, Jason is not Paul, and Jason is not going to leave me to raise a baby alone. It makes tears well up in my eyes thinking of how different they are, and how wonderful Jason is to me. He attended every doctor's appointment, never disagreed with me, and as things got harder, after the start of the third trimester, he never once sided with the doctors against me. He isn't perfect, but he is wonderful to me, and I think he will be wonderful to Brianna, as he is with Cody.

Around the start of my 3rd trimester, the nurse-midwife gave me a prescrition mood stabilizer. It gave me just enough clarity in my depression that I started to research the birth, and to face my fears. I had long talks with Jason about how our life would change, and how it would stay the same. I came to realize that the things I wanted to do, I could still do with 2 children, as easily as I could with one. Then I faced my biggest fear... the birth. The nurse-midwife had asked me at one point if I wanted a VBAC and I think I said 'sure' non-commitally. At the time I just didn't want to think about it. But now I was ready. I researched my tail off. I spent atleast 100 hours or more just surfing the net, looking at statistics, personal accounts, ways to make a VBAC more enjoyable and less frightening, etc. I think I must have read atleast 100-200 pages of medical studies (which is NOT enjoyable or easy, lemme tell ya).

When I went back into the doctor's office, I was no longer afraid of birth, and was starting to see it as a very tolerable experience... if I could do it my way. Of course, at the time I had no idea that I wouldn't "have a choice" in the matter. When I talked to the nurse, she was HORRIBLE to me. She said I could die, and that the baby could die, and was so overly dramatic and personally angry and upset because I questioned their decision to make me have a cesarean. It was ridiculous. I left the office crying that day. It hard to explain, but the effect of someone making me cry like that... I just don't forgive unkindness of that degree very lightly. Even now I start to shake and my blood pressure rises if I see her. It wasn't enough to disagree with me, or to try to convince me to reconsider. She felt she had to use 'scare tactics' to get her point across, and by doing so, completely cut off any chance of communication we might have had. She even went so far as to try to convince Jason not to 'let me jeapordize his baby's life out of my fear'. I think that was the turning point for me. Because he did not let her bully him, and in the face of direct opposition, he denied her, and stood up for me. Paul never would have done that. I realized after that day, that Jason would stand by me no matter what, and that I would always have his love and support when I needed it most.

The next few appointments went by in the same manner. The doctor that I saw was much more professional and respectful than the midwives, but the answer was ultimately the same. Get cut or get out. The doctor did say that she would discuss it with the other doctors before giving me a final answer, but I knew what that answer was going to be. In the end, one of the midwives delivered her "ruling" to me, and it ended very badly. All this time, my blood pressure has been going through the roof, with every argumentative visit. On the visit where I met a new doctor, who didn't know the situation, my blood pressure was fine. On my first visit with the other midwife, after the issue, my blood pressure was fine because I didn't know she was going to attack me when I went in. So my blood pressure has shot way up, back down, back up, etc. I even underwent extensive toxemia testing after the first event. There was no protein in my urine, and no symptoms of toxemia other than the swelling. To me, it was obvious that the stress of my visits was the culprit. When I finally said that I was not going to have the section and if they insisted, then I guess they were kicking me out and I wouldn't be back, my blood pressure was through the roof again. I went home and monitored it myself, and it went back down. It's been rising slightly since, but hasn't gone up to 150/100 (been waivering between 132/76 and 149/98 over the past few weeks since I last went). So, as it stands, I am currently 38 weeks pregnant, and have no care provider. I interviewed a potential provider at one point, but she said that due to insurance and lawsuit concerns she would not be able to "allow" a VBAC either.

The comment that Jason made, about the way we were treated was "it feels like I'm Alice and have just fallen down the rabbit hole... nothing will ever seem the same". I think that sums it up. I have spent my entire life believing in doctors, and believing that the choices they make are for our best interests. I have always trusted my doctors, and every time I've had any kind of problem, I've felt "time to go see the doctor and get taken care of". I had no idea at the complexity with which they make their determinations. The way that I felt, after learning that I was "required" to have major surgery instead of birth my baby, because their insurance wouldn't allow them to VBAC, or because hospital and office policy required it, is indescribable. My illusions have been shattered, and my faith, irrevocably broken. You always think that when a doctor suggests a course of action, you can either agree or sign a waiver, releasing them of their responsibility, right? well that is not the case..atleast not the case in my situation and with my pregnancy. As I continued my research, and toured local hospitals, I found that there are MANY things that are ALWAYS done to pregnant women, in labor, that are not only unnecessary, but uncomfortable, and may very well bring on UNNECESSARY complications, slow labor and possibly result in a cesarean. When I asked about these proceedures, the woman at one hospital looked at me like I had two heads, and told me that it was hospital policy and had to be done. (basically no movement without doctor directive, cant get out of bed, cant use the bathroom, cant eat or drink, cant change positions, cant use gravity to move the baby down, can't use a birthing ball or sit in a rocking chair, etc)

So that is the story of my medical pregnancy. I have had a long journey into alternative birth options, which went MUCH more to my liking, which I will share as well... another day.

A Midsummer Night's Dream

Last night, I had the most incredibly vivid dream. In my dream, I went to the hospital in labor, along with bringing Cody and Jason. I remembered going in, getting triag'd, put into a bed in a labor 'ward' in a room with like 8 beds (4 on each side, each with women, although they were all quiet). Then my dream skipped ahead and I had just had the baby, and I looked over and the nurse was putting pitocin into my IV to "promote release of the placenta". I yelled at her and said "don't you know I'm a VBAC?? I didn't consent to that, that is too DANGEROUS for me!" She just continued, and I turned and asked, "where is the baby, I want to see the baby". A few hours have passed since this dream started to fade, so some of the sequence is fuzzy. I remember seeing the baby, and she was beautiful. Absolutely adorable and perfect. And then I realize that I don't remember the birth AT ALL. I start to cry, feeling as though all of my fighting has been in vain. I get out of bed and stand up and say "where is my husband???" and then "I am going home". The nurse tells me that the doctor is going to want to keep the baby for atleast 3 days. I feel so strong, and I don't feel like I'd just had a baby at all. I feel more as though I've just been through some very rough sex, than the feeling of pain that I relate to childbirth. I think...no way. I feel great, Brianna is beautiful, we're going home. I march up to the front desk, and they have it set up in such a way as though it looks like they could physically keep me from walking out. They don't though. They argue with me, and I tell them that I know my rights and I demand my baby. I take Brianna back to my bed and I get dressed. The girl in the bed next to me says "what are you DOING??" and gives me a disgusted look when I tell her I'm going home, where I can really relax and recover. Jason comes in with Cody saying he'd just had to get Cody something from the cafeteria, and totally supportive, we walk out together.

Through all of this I'm crying about another lost birth experience, and have a bittersweet joy in response to the beautiful baby who's first breaths I have somehow missed. I didn't understand how I could not remember... was it something they drugged me with? I felt proud of how I'd fought with the doctors in order to leave, but couldn't remember why I even went to the hospital in the first place. I looked over my records (which they gave me when I discharged) and it said that I came in at 8cm. Jason didn't know why we went in either, or atleast he wasn't saying anything.

I woke from this dream at 4:30am and could not go back to sleep for the life of me. I wonder what this means. Perhaps my fears are still wrapped around the medical community and not the birth itself.