My pregnancy, this time around, has been SO different from Cody. Being pregnant with Cody was being in a state of oblivion. I spent almost the entire pregnancy unknowing of everything, and just attending my prenatal appointments as required. I read no books, did no research, spoke with no "wise women", attended no classes, etc. Occasionally I got upset at my prenatal appointments, when they would throw something unexpected at me, but then I would get over it, and go about my business. I had NO idea how it was going to turn out. Knowledge is power, granted, but ignorance is bliss...

When we were trying to conceive Brianna, I did not believe it was truly possible. It was 18 months after I stopped taking birth control, that we finally conceived. I talked to the girl I work with, about it, and she gave me some pregnancy tests that she had. I took the one that she gave me, and it came back a faint positive. I went to the store and purchased another set of 2, and took them, and they also came back a faint positive. I remember going and grabbing Jason's hand, and taking upstairs into our bedroom, looking for a quiet place to tell him. Cody, of course, came barging in, excited about something or other, about half way through. :) I told Jason and he was so happy. I remember nothing but denial at the time. I was afraid of being pregnant, of being a mom again, of the chance of being left to raise 2 children alone, when I could barely raise one, the first time around. Jason and I purchased ANOTHER set of tests (this time, the big 'name brand' very advertised ones) and it also came back positive. I was ready to go get another set of tests, maybe the digital read out ones, before Jason stopped me. He said 'lets just make an appointment, and go see the doctor'.

Its hard to explain how traumatized I was by my last pregnancy. I love Cody, and wouldn't give back having him for all the world, but the circumstances surrounding his birth, and raising him alone were very difficult. It was with great hesitation that I agreed to have another baby, at Jason's insistence. I had just cut that part of my life off, and had decided long ago not to have any more children. I never had enough patience with Cody, when I was a single mom, and when his father and I were together. It was hard to see past the financial problems, the lost education, and the lack of reprieve that being a single parent meant. I guess that's why I push education so much, for Cody. If he will just get a 4 year degree when he finishes high school, I will feel that my suffering early on, was not in vain. It's only now that I can really enjoy him the way I should, and appreciate what a wonderful child he is, because of his step dad, and all of his support, both emotionally and financially.

So, for the first 6 months or so of my pregnancy, I was in denial. I felt 'fat' but not pregnant. I felt like my life was coming to an end. I was terrified that I would not have the emotional ability to raise this baby, or to give her a good life. I could only see the bad, and none of the good. I was so incredibly blinded by fear, from all that had happened before. I started to blame Jason even, after awhile. I cried all the time, and would go walking, just because I wanted to get away, to forget about the pregnancy, and Jason and 'what my life had become'. But I began to realize, that no matter how traumatic the birth itself was, Jason is not Paul, and Jason is not going to leave me to raise a baby alone. It makes tears well up in my eyes thinking of how different they are, and how wonderful Jason is to me. He attended every doctor's appointment, never disagreed with me, and as things got harder, after the start of the third trimester, he never once sided with the doctors against me. He isn't perfect, but he is wonderful to me, and I think he will be wonderful to Brianna, as he is with Cody.

Around the start of my 3rd trimester, the nurse-midwife gave me a prescrition mood stabilizer. It gave me just enough clarity in my depression that I started to research the birth, and to face my fears. I had long talks with Jason about how our life would change, and how it would stay the same. I came to realize that the things I wanted to do, I could still do with 2 children, as easily as I could with one. Then I faced my biggest fear... the birth. The nurse-midwife had asked me at one point if I wanted a VBAC and I think I said 'sure' non-commitally. At the time I just didn't want to think about it. But now I was ready. I researched my tail off. I spent atleast 100 hours or more just surfing the net, looking at statistics, personal accounts, ways to make a VBAC more enjoyable and less frightening, etc. I think I must have read atleast 100-200 pages of medical studies (which is NOT enjoyable or easy, lemme tell ya).

When I went back into the doctor's office, I was no longer afraid of birth, and was starting to see it as a very tolerable experience... if I could do it my way. Of course, at the time I had no idea that I wouldn't "have a choice" in the matter. When I talked to the nurse, she was HORRIBLE to me. She said I could die, and that the baby could die, and was so overly dramatic and personally angry and upset because I questioned their decision to make me have a cesarean. It was ridiculous. I left the office crying that day. It hard to explain, but the effect of someone making me cry like that... I just don't forgive unkindness of that degree very lightly. Even now I start to shake and my blood pressure rises if I see her. It wasn't enough to disagree with me, or to try to convince me to reconsider. She felt she had to use 'scare tactics' to get her point across, and by doing so, completely cut off any chance of communication we might have had. She even went so far as to try to convince Jason not to 'let me jeapordize his baby's life out of my fear'. I think that was the turning point for me. Because he did not let her bully him, and in the face of direct opposition, he denied her, and stood up for me. Paul never would have done that. I realized after that day, that Jason would stand by me no matter what, and that I would always have his love and support when I needed it most.

The next few appointments went by in the same manner. The doctor that I saw was much more professional and respectful than the midwives, but the answer was ultimately the same. Get cut or get out. The doctor did say that she would discuss it with the other doctors before giving me a final answer, but I knew what that answer was going to be. In the end, one of the midwives delivered her "ruling" to me, and it ended very badly. All this time, my blood pressure has been going through the roof, with every argumentative visit. On the visit where I met a new doctor, who didn't know the situation, my blood pressure was fine. On my first visit with the other midwife, after the issue, my blood pressure was fine because I didn't know she was going to attack me when I went in. So my blood pressure has shot way up, back down, back up, etc. I even underwent extensive toxemia testing after the first event. There was no protein in my urine, and no symptoms of toxemia other than the swelling. To me, it was obvious that the stress of my visits was the culprit. When I finally said that I was not going to have the section and if they insisted, then I guess they were kicking me out and I wouldn't be back, my blood pressure was through the roof again. I went home and monitored it myself, and it went back down. It's been rising slightly since, but hasn't gone up to 150/100 (been waivering between 132/76 and 149/98 over the past few weeks since I last went). So, as it stands, I am currently 38 weeks pregnant, and have no care provider. I interviewed a potential provider at one point, but she said that due to insurance and lawsuit concerns she would not be able to "allow" a VBAC either.

The comment that Jason made, about the way we were treated was "it feels like I'm Alice and have just fallen down the rabbit hole... nothing will ever seem the same". I think that sums it up. I have spent my entire life believing in doctors, and believing that the choices they make are for our best interests. I have always trusted my doctors, and every time I've had any kind of problem, I've felt "time to go see the doctor and get taken care of". I had no idea at the complexity with which they make their determinations. The way that I felt, after learning that I was "required" to have major surgery instead of birth my baby, because their insurance wouldn't allow them to VBAC, or because hospital and office policy required it, is indescribable. My illusions have been shattered, and my faith, irrevocably broken. You always think that when a doctor suggests a course of action, you can either agree or sign a waiver, releasing them of their responsibility, right? well that is not the case..atleast not the case in my situation and with my pregnancy. As I continued my research, and toured local hospitals, I found that there are MANY things that are ALWAYS done to pregnant women, in labor, that are not only unnecessary, but uncomfortable, and may very well bring on UNNECESSARY complications, slow labor and possibly result in a cesarean. When I asked about these proceedures, the woman at one hospital looked at me like I had two heads, and told me that it was hospital policy and had to be done. (basically no movement without doctor directive, cant get out of bed, cant use the bathroom, cant eat or drink, cant change positions, cant use gravity to move the baby down, can't use a birthing ball or sit in a rocking chair, etc)

So that is the story of my medical pregnancy. I have had a long journey into alternative birth options, which went MUCH more to my liking, which I will share as well... another day.